We are expecting baby number two in July. To say we are excited is an understatment. To say we are terrified is a HUGE understatement.
We found out I was pregnant again in November right before Thanksgiving. We were actually super surprised because we only did the one dose of clomid. But, we had a goal to be pregnant again by December. Mission accomplished :) Initially we were so in shock, but as the shock wore off, fear and doubt settled in mixed with excitement.
I find myself not letting myself enjoy this pregnancy. I constantly have to remind myself to be excited, to remember that it is in the Lord's hands and that He has a plan for us. I find myself being a little depressed sometimes during this pregnancy because of what happened with Hudson. I find myself missing Hudson more and more because of this pregnancy.
Things are going well thus far. I had a cerclage placed at 13 weeks. The dr. checked my cervix exactly a week before the surgery and I was closed and firm. The day of the surgery when she went in I was already dialated to a 1 and softening. Scary. So it was a very timely surgery. We had to wait until I was in the second trimester. We needed baby to be a little bit older so baby could handle the surgery. The surgery went really well. She did have to cut up higher under my bladder to place the cerclage higher, but she had already mentioned that she would do it. The worst part of the whole thing would be that they had to give me a spinal 3 times and then I only went numb on my right side and my butt. Weird. Apparantly it is called a 'spotty spinal'. So they ended up just putting me under, then I woke up in the middle and started to feel everything... yikes! I don't remember what I said, but the dr. said I let her know it hurt ;). Recovery wasn't too bad. Initially the cramping and contractions hurt but only lasted for about 2 hours after the surgery. Then I was on bed rest for at least a week until my next appointment, and a week after that. So far, baby and cervix are checking out great. The cerclage is holding well and my doctor seems pleased this far. I say thus far because my body is so unpredictable. Within a week I dialated. Our goal is to get me to 36 weeks. After that, she will take the stitch out. But, right now baby is breech and my placenta is laying low so we are looking at a caesarean at this point.....
This pregnancy is taking is taking its toll on my physically ( like it should) but more so mentally. I feel like everyday I battle something that terrifies me. But, when I hear that sweet heartbeat, when I feel those precious little movements, my body reminds me of the miracle that is taking place and how grateful I need to be that I am a vessel in my Heavenly Father's plan.
I am terrified, I am excited, I am grieving, I am grateful, I am a daughter of God and through Him I can do all things.