Everyday I get the question, "how are you doing?" Everytime I answer, "ok." And that is the truth. I am ok. I have more good days then bad. But it seems when the bad days happen, they happen pretty hard. I miss my baby so much I can't breathe. Nothing I do can satisfy that emptyness I feel. And That spot will never be filled. And that is ok.
I think the hard part for me now is to hurdle the 'firsts'. First day back to work, our birthday's with out him, first friend having a baby, first holiday without him, first anniversary.... I feel that I am having to hurdle these 'firsts' like back to back. If I can make it through the year, I will be good.
His official due date is fast approaching and it breaks my heart more and more. We had such big plans for Hudson's life here on earth.
I recieved a journal when I was in the hospital to write down my thoughts. When i got home, I started using that journal as my letters to Hudson book. Everytime I think and wonder and start to feel really sad, I write a letter to him with my feelings and thoughts about him. It helps me cope.
My mom's friend took me out to lunch last week, and it was so good. We had a good conversation and she told me she compares me to Mary, the mother of Christ. She had to let her sweet boy go as well, with faith that the Lord is in all things, and knows the bigger picture. He truly does have a hand in all things. He has blessed Clayton and I by being parents of a boy so righteous, so valient and pure, that all he needed from us was to be loved and to get a body. I am so grateful that the Lord let him live long enough for Clayton and I to show Hudson our love for him, and for Hudson to show his love for us.
Clayton and I have gotten back into the swing of things for the most part. I went back to work on the 8th. It's good to be busy through the week. My work and boss have been so accomidating through this whole situation. I am lucky to have been blessed with an amazing job and amazing boss and co-workers. Our calling is going ok. We are the YSA advisors in our ward. Its a tough calling but some days its pretty fun. I have a hard time with people (especially the YSA group) because I want everyone to stop their nonsense and get their lives in order with the gospel. No messing around. Its hard for me to let up on people sometimes because I feel now that some are wasting their lives with being inactive or semi-active. If I could get anything acrossed in anyone's mind is that we never know what life will bring us. Our lives here are not guaranteed. The time is now to be prepared, to make that deciscion to be converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Heavenly Father has such big plans for his children. We must not waste our lives away. One day we will be given something that will rock us to the very core and it is up to us how we will handle our trials. We will choose to handle it with faith and hope with the knowledge that our "Sunday will come" or will we wither away from our trials?
I hope that I can continue to mourn with hope. Somedays its easier and some days its harder. But I know that there is a plan for my sweet little family. A plan much bigger than Clayton and I can even imagine.
There is a quote by Winni the Pooh that says," How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." I am so lucky and honored to be the mother of Hudson. Letting him go was the hardest thing I have ever had to do!